Petrol ka daam girna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai….

The petrol prices are up. What can the aam aadmi do? Let’s find out how everyone is reacting.

Father in law of the bride just before marriage

“What are these things for? Furnitures, Gold and cash as dowry. We don’t want all this. Hamein sirf ek hi cheez chahiye. 100L of petrol. If you can give this only then the marriage will happen. We also need you to sign a bond which says that you will pay for petrol for the rest of the life”

Bank officer to a customer

“Hello sir, we have just introduced a new card known as petrocard. The card comes in different denominations which helps you to buy petrol. With rising prices it is good for you to invest certain amount of money for petrol for a safe future. We are also introducing bank loans to buy petrol upto 100L. Are you interested to buy it?”

A terrorist talking to his boss

“Sir there is a change in our plan. We cannot make petrol bombs due to rise in its price. But we have found an alternative. We are going to use nuclear bombs”

An investor

“I think the best thing to invest upon is petrol because the prices are always up. So after 5 years I will get huge returns for it. I just need a place to store it. May be I can bury all the petrol cans in my backyard”

Sonia Gandhi to her ministers

“Friends, do not worry about this steep hike. It’s just a political ploy. Increase it by Rs 7.50 and then decrease Rs 5.50. It will show that despite tough economic circumstances prevailing we are still concerned about common man. We will also achieve our aim of increasing the petrol price to Rs 2 without much protest”

Pranab da…hamein bachao

With deep financial crisis and India’s growth story taking a plunge no one wants to be in Pranab Mukherji’s shoes. Come, let’s go inside and see how he is planning for India’s future.

PS: Sir I’ve completed your statement on the Aircel-Maxis deal that you are supposed to deliver on the floor of the house. Do you want to go through it to see if it needs to be modified?

Pranab da: What is there to go through? It is Chidambaram’s matter.  If there are any errors Chidambaram will suffer. So why should I be bothered that much?

PS: Also the markets were down the whole week. Are you going to announce any policy changes?

Pranab da: Arey, the sensex tanked due to Greece. What can I do anything on it?

PS: Are you not even going to ask the RBI to help the economy to regain its stability?

Pranab da: If RBI needs to take any action it is for the RBI governor to decide. How can I interfere in their matters?

PS: Sir the rupee is falling against the dollar consistently. It should stop now or else our economy will be affected badly

Pranab da: The rupee is falling due to various global factors. How can I control the globe?  I’m the Finance Minister of India not of the World

PS: So does that mean you are not going to take any policy decision at all?

Pranab da: You know, my policy is Wait and Watch policy. Are maloom nahi tujhe Sabr ka fal meeta hota hai. Ha..ha..ha…

Now the question is aise logon ke haath mein hamara kya hoga

Baba pahunche pagalkhana…

Baba pahunche pagalkhana…

So in the latest war of word Laluji has called Baba Ramdev a mental patient. Toh abhi sach mei aisa ho gaya toh…

Doctor: Oh, so u r the new patient

Baba: Hey, mind ur words I’m not a patient I’m the doc, do u know how many people I’ve cured with my medicine the great yoga medicine

Doctor: So u r doctor now, don’t worry yahan aa jaane ke baad log bahut kutch ban jaate hain

Come we’l show u the room, the food will also be provided…..

Baba: What? Food? I’m not gonna eat food, I’m fasting unto death, I’l fast until Lokpal bill is passed. I’l fast until all the politicians go to jail. Jail jao Jail jao Saare neta jail jao

Doc: Bechara daura pad raha hai lagtha hai

Baba: MPs are murderes. MPs are thieves. MPs are dacoits. MPs are smugglers. MPs are rapists. MPs are characterless. MPs are …..

Doc: Iska paagalpan toh badtha jaa raha hai

Baba: Hey doc, I’m not mad okay…The one who calls me mad is actually mad

Sir iska ek hi ilag hai..kisi minister se iski meeting karva lo

we should call Kapil Sibal to try out his zero mental policy or Pranabda for his instant 2 minute mei ban jaayega solution

The best one is Soniaji. Usko dekh ke sab chup ho jaathe hain

Tab toh ye ladkiyon ke kurthi pahenke naachega

Arey ye kya pagal ho ke sushmaji ko competition bada rahe hain…ha..ha…ha

Only god can save congress

The headache for congress is increasing with scams, corruption and sex. India ka problems gaye baad mein pehle khud ke problems ka solution toh nikale. A CWC meeting is underway

Sonia G: What is happening in Congress party? I want a solution now. Think everyone think. We desperately need an image makeover. Jo dimaag ki bathi jalayega I assure you that he will be given a  ministerial berth.

Member 1: My solution is that we should ask Rahul baba for his solution.

Member 2: Arey Nahi nahi, You’ve forgotten what happened in UP, now a days all his solutions are becoming flops. Even if he is at fault the blame will be on us. Implementing his solution means creating more problems for us.

Member 1: Let’s ask Kapil Sibal. His zero policy might help. Or what about Pranab da. He has a magic wand that has a solution to all the world’s problems.

Member 2: Bachchon jaisi baatein mat kiya karo, Listening to them means hanging ourselves. It can also put our ministerial powers at risk. I think only God can save us now

Member 1: God means some God men? Haan… we can use their tricks to purify the parliament

Member 2: Arey tumhara dimaag toh tikane par hai. They’ve also been hit by scandals. They will also bring in their load of corruption and sex with them. Do we want to bring in more mud on us?

Member 1: Tab toh….

**A newspaper article on Sachin’s 100^th century is found by their side**

Member 1: Sachin paji, he is also a God, God with a clean image. He is even worshipped by his followers. He can definitely help us.

Member 2: But will he agree to come to the parliament? He doesn’t speak much

Member 1: Arey, who wants him to speak. We just want his presence in parliament. Tumne kabhi bagwan ko baat karthe suna hai kya… We will ask Soniaji to convince him.

Member 2: Hmmm..sounds good. What if Mamatadi opposes this too?

Member 1:Uff…us chudail ko kaun samjayaega…She doesn’t listen to anyone. May be God can change her mind this time

At Mamatadi’s office.

What they are giving RS ticket to Sachin? I oppose it. Why a preference to Maharashtrian? Bengali’s are always left out.  If Sachin can be given a ticket then why not Sourav Ganguly? This is not acceptable

Are Mamatadi relax, If it is the case of Sourav Ganguly it is better to be with the Congress

What? Support the congress? What are you saying? We agreed that our aim was to oppose them and not support

Mamatadi, Sourav Ganguly is with CPM na, Even CPM has started campaigning for him, So in such a case how can you show your support  to him, Isn’t that against your moral rights?

Arey haan, That’s right. So tell them that this time I’m with them, Mogambo khush hua..

So in the end it took the virtual God to bring in both TMC and Congress on the same page. Way to go….

Didi’s Didigiri

Dada giri is over. It’s the age of didigiri. So let’s welcome the Gabbari Singh from Kolkolay

Na na na na naaa naaa…… Pa pa pa pa paaa paaa……

*stamps her feet on the ground and the whole world trembles*

Kitne reforms the?

Teen sarkar

Aur tumne ek bhi paas hone nahi diya?

Haan sarkar

Shabaaash!!!! Ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..ha….

What was the first proposal from mannu?

51% FDI in retail. He said it will increase jobs. But our sources confirmed that it is Sonia Gandhi who is the master mind. She wants to bring her foreign friends to India and party with them. Infact she is missing her old life. But sarkar, we will not allow India to be ruled by foreigners once again. Khoon piya hai hamara in angezon ne…

The second one

The NCTC. Rahul Gandhi is behind this game. He is concerned that the number of non congress ruled states are increasing. So his ploy is to bring in NCTC and intimidate the non congress CMs with it. He wants to force them to surrender the states to the congress. We in fact bugged the PMO to get this top secret information.

And the third one

The railway fare hike.  Actually mannu wanted to make sure that by hiking the fares poor won’t be able to travel in trains so that Rahul Gandhi and his entourage can travel in it. He wanted to increase his security due to threats to him.

And u rejected all the three proposals….Bahut achcha kaam kiya. You will be rewarded for this.

Did u see Soniaji and Rahul baba? What was their reaction?

Yup we saw. They were like some gangster had hit them black and blue.

And what about mannu?

He didn’t say anything. Someone was saying that by mistake he used fevicol as lipstick. So he won’t be able to speak for a while.

Very good. Now these three will dance and I will be the spectator

*Desi girl Desi girl performance by Soniaji*

And the award for the next Prez of India goes to…..

With the President elections round the corner there is no dearth in probable candidates. Let us introspect and find out how some top guns would fare in this election.

1. Anna Hazare

The first thing in his ‘To Do’ list is to make Arvind Kejriwal, Vice President and Kiran Bedi, Deputy Vice President. So from now on the President will be advised by them on all matters – but is this going to make matters better or worse?

2. Mamata Banerjee

A NO woman she might think of shifting the capital from Delhi back to Kolkata. But her main aim is to wipe out CPM and that she will make sure by banning the colour red through out the country.

3. Mayawati

She will fire all upper caste people from Rashtrapati Bhavan and bring in Dalits as a show of Dalit empowerment.But her ultimate aim is to built her statues throughout India.

4. Shashi Tharoor

From now on the President is going to communicate only through twitter. All the officials must have twitter accounts and those who don’t have will be sacked.

5. Kapil Sibal

His one and only aim is to make sure that the expenditure of Rashtrapati Bhavan for the next five years remain at zero

6. A Raja

So now being the President of India he will make sure that the corruption money increases from lakh crores to crore crores.

7. Rahul Gandhi

He will shift the Rashtrapati Bhavan to a Dalit colony so that he can have food with Dalits throughout.

8. LK Advani

My one and only ambition – Ram Mandir Ram Mandir Ram Mandir

So from these tough choices whom are you voting for?

The Indo-Pak luncheon

So the luncheon of the year is over. Even though President Zardari came here for a private visit the media on both sides made sure that it became a spectacle. Now let us go deep into the informal conversation the two leaders had

MMS: Welcome zardari saab

Zardari: Thank You, How are you mannu?

MMS: Fine, Thank You. Dekh kya rahe ho chaloji lets go for lunch

Zardari: Haan bhai chalo, I’m so hungry.Hope the menu is good

MMS: Of course, you will find everything here from Kanyakumari dosa to Kashmiri Pulao, Dekh kya rahe ho…toot padoji

MMS: So Zardariji, how’s  life in Pakistan?

Zardari: Bura haal hai bhai, The army constantly has a gun above me and Geelani. Can’t do anything without the permission of ISI

MMS: Same Pinch on that one. Here too I can’t do anything without the permission of Soniaji. She is the dictator.

Zadari: Oh ho…Then how is your economy and things? Heard the growth rate has come down

MMS: Yeah..But I’ve to ask Pranabda for more details.He..he.. What about your economy? Didn’t hear anything about it

Zardari: Well, I’ve to ask Geelani about it He…he

MMS: Are bhai, Chodo ye economy sab..let’s talk about some thing else, Planning any foreign trips?

Zardari: Yup…at least 2-3 in the next couple of months

MMS: I’ve beaten you on that one..planned around 6-7 in the next month alone. The opposition and allies are making life difficult for me. I need some peace

Zardari: By the way why didn’t Soniaji come?

MMS: Ahem…I don’t know, actually I don’t ask questions to her I just listens to her you know

Zardari: Kitna bura haal hai tera

MMS: Haan haan…To be a PM we have to sacrifice a lot…Are tum vo Hafeez Saeed ka kutch karna yaar…Mera yahan thoda izzat bacha le

Zardari: But hmmmm….I got to ask the ISI officials

MMS: Uff fo…We are the heads of India and Pakistan. We are not puppets in the hands of others. We should have the right to take the decision of our own. We cannot tolerate this injustice meted upon us. We must fight till our last breath…

Zardari(Without listening and eating) : Mmmm…This Kashmiri pulao is delicious. Some how I’ve to make Kashmir part of Pakistan

MMS: What no way, Kashmir Bharat ka hai

Zardari: What nonsense. Kashmir Pakistan ka hai

And the deadlock continues……..